Adoration. Obsession. Beautiful self-destruction

Trapdoor

Read Trapdoor by Vixen Phillips

Trapdoor is recommended for mature audiences. While the story is romantic in nature, and darkly romantic at that, in terms of genre it is not a romance novel. The novel contains homoerotic content, adult themes, coarse language, violence, and self-harm, suicide & drug references.

An e-book version that includes the short story I Will Be Queen can be purchased at the Lost Violet Press store, or in various formats from these retailers. An epub only format is also available on lulu. The paperback edition will be available again from March 31. Or the novel can be read for free on this site, starting at the table of contents just below.

Cover of Trapdoor: a contemporary dark lyrical new adult novel featuring queer characters, set in late 90s Melbourne

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Table of Contents

01 RAVEN.
Of Winged Things
He works his way down now, down and down, and where his knuckles press hard along my spine, the wings I made myself break the skin in bursts of cold fire, unfolding in a gleaming mess of bloody feathers and sticky bones, no longer a mockery of what I meant for them to be. Pain’s got a meaning here…
02 PEGASUS.
Bleeding Hearts
It’s not like I haven’t had plenty of practice in self-deception. That, and deceiving others. It paid for what I call my freedom. Freedom to torture myself twenty-four hours a day with thoughts of this beautiful boy, and what he could never feel for me…
03 RAVEN.
Cracks In The Ice
Seems most everything I say tonight ends up with two meanings. I’m a serpent with a forked tongue. One path leading to the truth I deny, fearing happiness, the other a lie that got me into all this trouble in the first place…
04 PEGASUS.
Chasing Shadows
Because now that it’s finally morning, the shadows are beginning to fade, the shadows that have been covering my mind and my soul. Now that they’re gone, I can almost start to see the way, and it’s different from the one they’d convinced me was all I could have…
05 RAVEN.
Angel Visions
I thought I could deny what I felt for you, all this time—no, worse, I did deny it. But no more. It still matters why you came for me, cos I’m in love with you, Peg, and I’m going to tell you, even if it kills me.
Tonight.
06 PEGASUS.
If I Should Die Before I Wake
They found her dressed in white lace and nothing more. As for me, I’m naked except for my white satin boxers. Both of us arrayed in such innocence in death, renouncing the filth and rape we’d borne through our lives…
07 RAVEN.
Beyond The Dawn
I wish I could be angry, build myself up to a whirlwind of fire and ashes. Anything would be better than this slow black hole void. Pegasus grasps my shoulders, eyes wide, pleading with me to lose myself in them, in him, in his soul. Why would you offer me that, when you know it’s not what you want yourself?
08 PEGASUS.
Blood Makes Noise…
I strip off my own t-shirt and lie against him, press against him, naked against all the blood, feeling our hearts beat in sync. “I want to do it,” I beg hoarsely.
After a moment, he nods and hands me the blade from the bedside table…
09 RAVEN.
The Sixth Degree of Separation
I start to ask what he means, but a strange sensation drives every thought and memory from my mind. I cry out in the darkness, reach for his head, try to pull him off me, try to warn him how this is too much. But somehow, my hands just get lost in that beautiful silky mane. I breathe in violent sobs, my thoughts left to collapse in on themselves again…
10 PEGASUS.
The Rapunzel Syndrome
I’m lying on my back, watching the light bulb on the ceiling expand to become a ball of flame. Gold and amber and red—phoenix wings and phoenix tail—unfurl to encompass the entire room. Ashes drift down, cloaking my body in embers, and burst into musical notes as they touch my body: C-sharp minor, E-flat minor arpeggios. The plaster dissolves into a cloudy vortex. Red swirls to purple, and fades to blue…
11 RAVEN.
Sole Destruction
This place, this time—I’ve been here before. As a child. A child whose old man put him to bed, not with fairy stories or teddy bears, but his breath and his fists reeking of booze…
12 PEGASUS.
True Faith
You see? I stop myself from touching the beautiful blue-black hair that drapes across one wrist, hiding the scars he no longer cares to conceal. You’re the saviour of us both. You just don’t realise it yet. Come out from the shadows. I can show you…
13 RAVEN.
Little Deaths/Garden of Eden
Now it’s here, whatever it is, I know I’ve felt it, always. The most exquisite pain, from the moment we met, intensifying above and beyond, to this present, this conclusion.
No. This beginning…
14 PEGASUS.
Red Letter, White Rose
There is only one truth I can qualify.
My own.
Time changes nothing. But time, itself, can be changed, distorted, recreated, retold. Envisioned and recalled, in the exact same heartbeat…
15 RAVEN.
Lost In The Darkness Before The Dawn
So, that place isn’t home anymore. Not somewhere we can return to. But it doesn’t matter. So long as I’m with you, anywhere can be home…
16 PEGASUS.
Non Omnia Moria (Not All Of Me Will Die)
All places have auras. The one emanating from this house is so sickly yellow that it nearly makes me forget. Strange I never saw it like you do before today. But in those days I always assumed this was some place you’d chosen to be…
17 RAVEN.
The Word For God
Again he tries to pull away from my embrace, but this time I’m not letting go and I’m not giving in. While he claws and screeches and slaps at me, I hold on tight, I let him hurt me, I relish this pain, because it’s his gift to me. Even as he fights me off, a new calm lays my mind bare. I see myself, and I see you, freeing me forever from the bars of the cage…
18 PEGASUS.
Illumination (The Bottom Of Pandora’s Box)
In a tiny room at the end of the house, I stand in front of the mirror, gazing numbly at my reflection. A wild-eyed, too pale, brown-haired girl stares out at me, one brow raised defiantly as if asking me why I’m so afraid. So afraid of myself and how like my mother I actually am…
19 RAVEN.
Nonsolitaire (Pandora II)
Right about then, I knew I was lost completely. So I spent the dregs of that night drifting in and out of a fitful sleep, waking to wash away my artistry upon the arrival of a miserable dawn. She should’ve found it then, my cry for help, and it should’ve been over, once and for all. But she never did…
20 PEGASUS.
Reality Vs. Dream
He’s frowning at me, not daring to believe. You will soon enough, my love. Your dreams are my truth, just as your truth is my dream. I wish I could say the words, the ones that would reassure him the most. But I can’t, not yet. I’m saving them for the final moment, when no more doubts exist. When she crosses the rainbow, for us…
21 RAVEN.
Chosen Whispers
A last flash of golden light blazes through a fracture in the clouds. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him watching it too, gathering its strength to him. Your body might wish to return to its home—the ocean, the source of all life—but your soul, your true self, your true home? Well, they lie somewhere else entirely. A place even birds could never fly. But your wings, they might be strong enough…
22 PEGASUS.
Angel Tears
He stretches out his black wings, and reaches for my hand. Something shines inside the wings, some dream we’ve yet to share. As our fingers touch, a greeny-silver sludge bleeds out of my fingertips. But this poison never did belong to me. And once there’s nothing left of it, my heart will be pure, for you. For sorrow, for joy, for freedom…
23 RAVEN.
Glass Embrace
Time to confess my sins. And bury my love down deep under lock and key, till the final rainbow comes. I’ll wait for you, Pegasus. Just like you waited for me…
24 PEGASUS.
Juliette Smiling/Final Dawn
I gaze at the curtain, through the window, beyond the curtain, out across the night sky. This place she offered me: sanctuary, a place you once called home. Were you happy here? I know about your parents, about your past. But beyond that, were you happy?…
25 RAVEN.
Now, The Last Thorn
When I find you again, Pegasus, I will lay you down on the soft sand by our ocean and cover your soul with my wings and kisses.
Kisses are feathers. My wings are very strong…
26 EPILOGUE
At The End Of The Rainbow
You’ll never be lost to me, not ever…